Thursday, May 10, 2018

Best Bloody Revenge Ever.

After Johnny (Guillermo Lagunes) returns from the Gulf War, he loses his wife & daughter to AIDS. The traumatic events from the war & the tragic loss of his family really mess Johnny up mentally.  He hates the world for what it has done to him. After all that’s happened, Johnny hops on his motorcycle to Mexico to be with his beloved father. Along the way, he is assaulted by some prejudice dudes who aren’t kindly to him & steal his bike! Johnny manages to find one of the dudes and smashes a bottle to the guy’s head, leaves a note that says “Viva Mexico Cabrones” & rides away. Amazing, right?

Johnny then settles at his father’s ranch and things seem to be going okay and he even meets a stripper (Viviana Rey) who is the spitting image of his wife (Vivana Rey plays both the wife & stripper). He’s attracted to her big time and wants her so bad. They end up together and Johnny is once again getting better. The owner of the strip club where Johnny’s girl works at is a big time criminal named Roberto (Jorge Luke). Roberto is devilish looking & well respected by his people. He walks into his club, takes a sip of a drink, his stripper girls then walk toward him for a warm welcoming. Roberto is a fucking badass.

One day near the ranch, Johnny spots Roberto and some other criminals meeting up, Roberto’s people catch him and aren’t happy that an outsider spotted this sketchy ass meeting, so they plan to kill him. Roberto’s people then enter the ranch one night & they kill his poor innocent father since Johnny was at his girl's house at the time. After the burial of Johnny’s father, Johnny is once again angry at the world and only has one thing on his mind: Revenge. Bloody Revenge.

Okay first of all, Venganza Sangrienta (aka "Bloody Revenge") has to be one of the coolest fucking movies ever. Second, the movie has a great cast that play their characters so wonderfully. Third, Jorge Luke is literally a stealer of scenes playing Roberto because Roberto is like one of the greatest villains ever. 4th, Johnny’s girlfriend & Roberto’s main girl are some pretty hot babes. Seriously. Even though Johnny’s girl wears some crazy ass outfits, she is one attractive woman for sure. Paty Muñoz playing Roberto’s main girl is like the best thing ever. Paty is one amazing woman & she is big time eye candy! Yes!

The other great thing(s) about Venganza Sangrienta is the action & violence. Johnny knows how to kick ass & prove a point. His first victim loses his head at the cemetery and the other is buried and his head burned. The now severed head then gets delivered to Roberto just when he’s about to bang some random stripper of his. The next victim of this bloody revenge gets fucked up by Johnny and a cleaning lady's fingernails, then he gets hit by a truck. After that guy is killed, we see a sign that says "dumping trash is prohibited on this road", Johnny mutters the best line ever of the movie; "Very well. We got to cooperate with the environment." Beautiful scene. I cried. There’s also a crazy wet dream scene with Johnny and his girlfriend. She’s dancing, water is poured on her, then we go erotic fantasy mode and it gets super slow & erotic from there! The final confrontation between Johnny & Roberto is also amazing. It is a must see for sure because of the huge tension it has & the ridiculous cheesy stock music playing in the background. I cried again.

Venganza Sangrienta is a must see. It is entertaining from start to finish, has some awesome characters, has a very good plot and of course it has Jorge Luke playing one of his best mid-90’s roles ever since 45 Expansiva. Long live Roberto. Guillermo Lagunes’ plays the best role of his obscure & intriguing career. Johnny is forever in my heart. This Bloody Revenge succeeded big time. 8/10.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Fat Drunken non-Teenage Ninja Turtles to the rescue.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 27 years of life is that Mexicans really love their beer. Beer is like the life of the party at every wedding, children’s birthday party, baptism celebration & quinceañeras I’ve been to. Your dad drinks beer, your uncles drinks beer, your neighbors drink beer and their fathers’ fathers did as well. Good lord knows that beer is quite the elixir in Mexican culture. Sometimes I think its a bad thing, but overall it enriches the beloved culture. Particularly with the brands from Mexico. Naturally. In Mexico, a caguama is a turtle but most of the time it means a fat 32 oz bottle of beer. You’d think maybe 1 or 2 is enough for the average guy, but no, I’ve seen plenty of my dad’s friends in Mexico down at least 10 caguamas before sunset. That’s not a joke either.

Caguamas being very popular & important with Mexicans; some random filmmakers in 1991 decided to make a comedy inspired by this turtle shaped bottle and parody Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles at the same time. Naturally.

In Las Caguamas Ninjas, 3 old fat dudes (Pedro Weber "Chatnuga", Guillermo Rivas, Ernesto Yañez) dress up like Ninja Turtles to defend their beloved Carta Blanca beer. They also work at a brewery. Naturally. Some local gangsters decide to take over the beer market in town by selling imported beer instead of the domestic stuff, thus they force local shopkeepers to sell imported only. So then, some business owners start selling imported beer and that is a big no-no for the Caguamas Ninjas and their short brewery boss (Gaston Padilla). They must save Mexican beer before it is taken over by lame imported beer!

Oh dear lord, was this movie bad. So far one of the worst movies I’ve watched this year, too. Still, I can’t put Las Caguamas Ninjas completely down considering the set of cast members that I really like star in this movie. I also loved the horrid Ninja Turtle costumes and their use of brooms instead of ninja weapons. Their “Cheers” beer t-shirts were also charming. Their fat beer guts also give their aesthetic a spark of charm as well. I also love the fight scene between our heroes and the villains. That scene had me in awe & frustration.

I think drinking 10, 11 or 13 caguamas will probably help this movie become fully entertaining and understandable. One thing is for sure, I paid a drunken price for this movie. Regrets? Yes. A drunken regret? Not at all (haha). 2/10.