Thursday, November 7, 2019

The Little Big Surprise.

On the weekend before Halloween, I went to Riverside to acquire some tapes in person. I went to the seller’s house and he showed me what else he had & I picked out some cool trashy Mexican titles and saw he also had some Spanish XXX titles as well. They were all very bizarre of course but one caught my attention for its unusual & humorous cover. “La Sorpresa” (The Surprise) is the title of this movie and the seller told me “she’s actually a he”, meaning the “sorpresa” is this woman on the cover is really a man. I thought that was so fucking funny but didn't end up buying the movie then. Later on that day, I kept thinking about La Sorpresa and my curiousty convinced me enough to message the seller to ship out to me. I then finally gotten La Sorpresa in my hands and it was definitely a little big surprise for me. That was supposed to be a pun by the way, but not a very funny one of course.

 In La Sorpresa, a music producer named Carlos (also credited as “Carlitos”) has been drinking hard because he's remembering some very regretful things he’s done lately. These things have been bothering him so much, he tells himself he needs to stop drinking and that his mom would tell him this kind of shit would happen to him if he consumed copious amounts of alcohol. What are these regretful things he’s done? Well it seem Carlitos fell head over heels on a singer named “Sandra” and fucked her hard twice, then after the second time, she reveals to him that she’s half woman & half man. She reveals her penis to him and Carlitos is in shock. He promises her a recording contract if she doesn’t tell anyone of what has happened. She agrees and I guess from there Sandra went straight to Hollywood & became a music sensation. After all, her acapella cover of Juan Gabriel’s “Se Me Olvido Otra Vez” was good enough for Carlitos & the camera guy. After that “incident”, Carlitos meets with “Jessica” in a cheap motel room and of course he fucks Jessica hard in the ass as the air conditioner cools the room. After ejaculating in Jessica’s face, Jessica runs to the bathroom & rubs her penis. From there, the movie ends with Carlitos saying this was all just a bad dream. Or was it really?

 Obviously a review for this weird ass fuck & trashy porno is out of the ordinary, but how could I not talk about it? After all, the title is so perfect & so fitting for the movie’s gimmick. Carlitos was surprised by the revelation of Sandra’s penis. My only complain of the movie is how we really never know if Carlitos was really just dreaming all of this or was he just very drunk & in denial. Either way, Carlitos is a freak, but I wish him the best wherever he may be. As for Sandra, I hope she’s okay and still singing Juan Gabriel songs.

La Sorpresa for me is trashy & aesthetically significant. A worth looking into. However, I did have to drown out my memories of watching Carlitos’ having sex by eating good Vietnamese fast food, consuming Starbucks coffee & listening to lots of smutty & catchy songs by TV Girl.

Saturday, October 12, 2019

Alan Ciangherotti fucks around with Brujeria.

A young thug called El Maya (Alan Ciangherotti) and his group of goons kidnap women around town for money, but as of lately El Maya has gone super weird since he’s gotten involved in brujería and has been killing the kidnapped women for sacrifices to “El Maestro” (the devil I guess). The body count rises up very high and it’s up to a cop named Rodrigo (Jorge Aldama) along with his partner that he’s totally banging to find the killer before more innocent women are killed!

 Around the early 2000’s, some of these Mexican videohome producers invested time & money into making movies about the Juarez female homicides that had gained notoriety around the country and even the world, particularly in Hollywood since they see Ciudad Juárez as the only place in Mexico that ever has brutal crime going on (how narrow-minded, right?). So anyway, there’s quite a few movies about the Juarez female homicides and they all involve either a criminal group kidnapping women or a psychopath on the loose. In Secta Maldita (aka "The Evil Sect"), they intertwine crime with a psychopath leader who’s involved in brujería. Now you’re probably thinking “wow that’s so cool!”, but to be quite frank it’s not as good as it sounds. Secta Maldita isn’t a complete failure, but it’s definitely not so great either. The movie is kind of dull and features off-screen & non-bloody kills even though it seems we’re about to see some brutal ritualistic killings that would satisfy some long-haired heavy metalhead. The only bloody kill we ever see in the movie is just with a dog getting shot by El Maya, but it’s not even bad as it sounds since the dog only has a small drip of stage blood on his side while he smiles in joy. The doggy clearly loved the screen time he got. He must of had dreams of going to Hollywood or Mexico City..

 Now I can’t fully complain about Secta Maldita since I did enjoy some little parts of the movie and its mostly the scenes with Alan Ciangherotti acting like a weirdo wearing his black coat & hood during his ritualistic sacrifices. There’s also a table dance scene where the girl is dancing to the most horrid song ever, then later on a rival of El Maya (who's played by Eleazar Garcia Jr) is about to bang this dancer, then when the mask is taken off by El Maya’s goon, it turns out to be his own daughter! El Maya doesn’t kill his enemy right away because he wants him to suffer knowing he was having a sexual moment with his own daughter. Talk about a mind-fuck, right? Then near the beginning of the movie, one of El Maya’s goons puts a human heart in a blender and it looked quite appetizing honestly. An ice old heart smoothie sounds good right now. El Maya drinks the blood and blabbers about evil. Fun, huh? Sorta.

 It seems Secta Maldita is hard to come by on DVD and I was quite surprised to even find a copy, but then again I didn’t know anything about this movie prior to getting it. Is it worth knowing its existence? Worth seeking out? Worth watching Alan Ciangherotti acting the fool with brujería? I mean if you’re that bored then sure. Otherwise just watch something else instead. I watched it once last year and didn't get into it at all. My 2nd time watching it this time around and I enjoyed it somewhat, but overall I didn't care much for it still. If anything, I just thought of the day I bought this movie. It was a hot summer day in Georgia buying Mexican DVD's with a friend and then the evening came and I was in the arms of a beautiful girl & making out with her while watching one of my favorite bands play. Now that was far more memorable than this fucking movie. Definitely. Just saying.

Roberto Ballesteros gets top billing in the movie, but he's pretty damn irrelevant in the movie. At least he made the front cover in the most deceiving way.